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Vatican 3: The Revenge
Posted on 2006.02.17 at 20:43
At mealtimes the past few days, it has occurred to a few of us of the Snelling persuasion that eventually the Catholic church will need an even bigger overhaul than what occurred at Vatican 2 (Also known as Vatican 2: Electric Boogaloo) back in 1960-1965. It was with that intention that we have come up with an outline for the majesty that will be Vatican III.
Here shall be laid out the guidelines for Vatican III. These rules could be subject to change or elaboration, at the High Council's discretion.
1) It shall occur in St. Peter's Square, where the masses will gather to engage in the greatest mosh pit in the history of ever.
2) For music during the moshing, there will be several bands around the Square, all of differing musical backgrounds. A few of the bands are: Aerosmith, Russian Polka orchestra, 50 Cent and the Game. (We're still researching different bands/musical groups to include.)
3) Before the moshing can get under way, though, David Bowie, dressed as Ziggy Stardust, will be hurled into a bonfire as a sacrifice. For those who would object, please remember that for it to be a sacrifice, we must give up something we dearly love and appreciate. And we don't want to give God some crappy band or musician.
4) However, we will also have bonfires around the Square made up entirely of emo bands. Because they just need to die in the all-forgiving and purifying fire. Such emo bands will be Dashboard Confessional and Creed. Expect this list to grow.
5) Also, this mosh pit will have certain events to enhance the intensity and awesomeness of Vatican III. One such event is when boxers will be released into the crowd. Instead of wearing boxing gloves, though, they will be wearing boxer dogs on their hands, so that when they punch you you will also simultaneously be bitten by a dog.
6) Another such event is when midget ninjas on crack will be lit on fire before being launched from trebuchets into the crowd.
7) Finally, and perhaps most importantly, helicopters will eventually fly over the Square. When they do, they will release swords (with gunblades mixed in for good measure) into the crowd. We expect this to drastically reduce the amount of people engaged in Vatican III.
8) Once the herd has been thinned, so to speak, Arnold Schwarzenegger, from on top of the Vatican, will laugh and invite the survivors to have communion with him. The survivors will do so, but immediately afterwards Arnold will say, "In youh resohlve you'd bettah not WAFEHR!" before throwing communion wafers like ninja stars. Three people will automatically die from hearing the pun.
9) Arnold will then tear off his clothes, revealing himself dressed as He-Man, and will then leap into the Square to engage the survivors in mortal combat.
10) Once Arnold has been felled, the survivor (be it man or woman, it does not matter; there will only be one survivor) will take the severed leg of Arnold and ring a giant bell with it. With the tolling of the bell, all the people will know the truth in their hearts: A new pope has been chosen.
11) Afterwards, the Sistene Chapel ceiling will be repainted to depict the events of Vatican III. More importantly, there will be an image of the new pope holding the leg of Arnold over his head in triumph, with Arnold, in all his angelic beauty, smiling and looking down from heaven.
12) When people walk under the image of Arnold, there will be speakers which say, "I'll be back."
13) It will then be prophesied that Arnold will return to lead his people unto salvation from the hands of the ultimate evil: William Shatner.
These are simply the events as have been agreed upon by the High Council of this event (That is, myself, Chris, Carmine, and Kainen), though like all powerful and successful animals, it is always evolving.
A few ideas still under consideration are:
1) An appropriate means of admittance to Vatican III. Should there be a trial the people must pass in order to enter the Square?
2) Herd of deer. Should we release one into the crowd? Should they be rabid? Have antlers made of swords?
3) Music during the final confrontation with Arnold played over speakers, with every song being famous fight scene music? Or, the most godly bands imaginable playing together from the top of the Vatican? (i.e. Tenacious D, Led Zeppelin, Queen (we will resurrect Freddy Mercury either through science or the Power of Rock), etc.)
4) Subtitle of Vatican III. "The Revenge," "The Time They Got It Right," "Pope Harder," "Do It! Do It Now!"? All up for consideration.
For lo!, so it is written, so must it be done.
Here shall be laid out the guidelines for Vatican III. These rules could be subject to change or elaboration, at the High Council's discretion.
1) It shall occur in St. Peter's Square, where the masses will gather to engage in the greatest mosh pit in the history of ever.
2) For music during the moshing, there will be several bands around the Square, all of differing musical backgrounds. A few of the bands are: Aerosmith, Russian Polka orchestra, 50 Cent and the Game. (We're still researching different bands/musical groups to include.)
3) Before the moshing can get under way, though, David Bowie, dressed as Ziggy Stardust, will be hurled into a bonfire as a sacrifice. For those who would object, please remember that for it to be a sacrifice, we must give up something we dearly love and appreciate. And we don't want to give God some crappy band or musician.
4) However, we will also have bonfires around the Square made up entirely of emo bands. Because they just need to die in the all-forgiving and purifying fire. Such emo bands will be Dashboard Confessional and Creed. Expect this list to grow.
5) Also, this mosh pit will have certain events to enhance the intensity and awesomeness of Vatican III. One such event is when boxers will be released into the crowd. Instead of wearing boxing gloves, though, they will be wearing boxer dogs on their hands, so that when they punch you you will also simultaneously be bitten by a dog.
6) Another such event is when midget ninjas on crack will be lit on fire before being launched from trebuchets into the crowd.
7) Finally, and perhaps most importantly, helicopters will eventually fly over the Square. When they do, they will release swords (with gunblades mixed in for good measure) into the crowd. We expect this to drastically reduce the amount of people engaged in Vatican III.
8) Once the herd has been thinned, so to speak, Arnold Schwarzenegger, from on top of the Vatican, will laugh and invite the survivors to have communion with him. The survivors will do so, but immediately afterwards Arnold will say, "In youh resohlve you'd bettah not WAFEHR!" before throwing communion wafers like ninja stars. Three people will automatically die from hearing the pun.
9) Arnold will then tear off his clothes, revealing himself dressed as He-Man, and will then leap into the Square to engage the survivors in mortal combat.
10) Once Arnold has been felled, the survivor (be it man or woman, it does not matter; there will only be one survivor) will take the severed leg of Arnold and ring a giant bell with it. With the tolling of the bell, all the people will know the truth in their hearts: A new pope has been chosen.
11) Afterwards, the Sistene Chapel ceiling will be repainted to depict the events of Vatican III. More importantly, there will be an image of the new pope holding the leg of Arnold over his head in triumph, with Arnold, in all his angelic beauty, smiling and looking down from heaven.
12) When people walk under the image of Arnold, there will be speakers which say, "I'll be back."
13) It will then be prophesied that Arnold will return to lead his people unto salvation from the hands of the ultimate evil: William Shatner.
These are simply the events as have been agreed upon by the High Council of this event (That is, myself, Chris, Carmine, and Kainen), though like all powerful and successful animals, it is always evolving.
A few ideas still under consideration are:
1) An appropriate means of admittance to Vatican III. Should there be a trial the people must pass in order to enter the Square?
2) Herd of deer. Should we release one into the crowd? Should they be rabid? Have antlers made of swords?
3) Music during the final confrontation with Arnold played over speakers, with every song being famous fight scene music? Or, the most godly bands imaginable playing together from the top of the Vatican? (i.e. Tenacious D, Led Zeppelin, Queen (we will resurrect Freddy Mercury either through science or the Power of Rock), etc.)
4) Subtitle of Vatican III. "The Revenge," "The Time They Got It Right," "Pope Harder," "Do It! Do It Now!"? All up for consideration.
For lo!, so it is written, so must it be done.
